2024-10-01
learning to top
i've been considering myself a bottom for a long time. but i'm also a person who loves novelty and versatility, so wanting to top more has been on my mind more and more often lately.
it's not like i haven't topped in the past – but either the pressure and gender dysphoria was getting to me and making it dificult, or i did end up doing it and having fun, but not really enjoying it. overall, i didn't really feel like i was good at it.
but looking at the positions in anal sex as a skill to master rather than a role that my brain is immutably wired for gave me a new perspective. i started trying to figure out, how to get better at topping – and by extension, how to enjoy it more.
circumcision
circumcision is the major item that even made me think that i might be a good top one day. while this procedure might be useless or even harmful for some, for me it was a conscious choice made to make things better. i wrote more about it in the post “the benefits of circumcision”, but a TL;DR that's relevant here is that:
- my overly sensitive cock head got desensitised to a regular level, making me enjoy blowjobs more (pleasurable instead of… err… ticklish?) and, as i later found out, topping as well
- the tight cut made my dick slightly smaller (see “i'd like to have a smaller dick”)
- the tight cut made my erections stronger
- unexpectedly, all of that combined has alleviated my gender dysphoria, to a point that for a long time now i haven't really been entertaining the thought of getting rid of my cock anymore
erections
not getting hard during sex (or hard enough, after all anal needs quite some tension compared to vaginal penetration) is not the end of the world. trust a slut who has been on both sides of this a bunch of times with a bunch of people – yes, it's perfectly normal not to be on your hardest all the time. your brain might be elsewhere, you might not be in the right mood, your anxiety might be getting to you. and the annoying thing is, when you let your head wander into the anxiety area, it can spiral and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
with genital dysphoria mostly out of the way and circ making my skin tighter, it became easier to avoid that spiral. but what was a real game changer was finding out that in the netherlands you can just buy kamagra (viagra/sildenafil) in many sex shops, without a prescription. i know it's safe for me to take it, because i actually had a prescription in the past and my health hasn't changed, so it's a no-brainer to make use of the benefits of modern medicine sometimes 😈
i don't use it all the time, of course – but if i'm planning a date focused on me topping, it's good to have my anxiety medication handy.
enjoyment
what's also incredibly important, is that it makes no sense for me to top if i don't actually enjoy it. duh.
circumcision made a huge difference in that regard, making the sensation less overwhelming. being sure that i'm gonna stay hard made it easier to let go of anxious thoughts and enjoy the moment. but that's only the beginning of the journey.
i had to figure out how i like it, experiment, find out what's best for me and also what makes the bottom scream. i bought a toy ass to play with. i visited some parties in amsterdam where i could explore. i started hooking up with more bottoms. one thing i found out, for example, is that i enjoy it more to tease the bottom with just my cock head rather than just sticking it in deep (but i do that too, of course!)
this journey is still ongoing, and i'm enjoying every second of it ❤️