2022-03-11
transition as an agender person
being nonbinary comes with a very peculiar set of challenges. for me, one of the biggest ones is… figuring out what the fuck do i even want.
i've decided to put it all in writing – partly to help myself put structure to my thoughts, and partly to maybe help some other enbies figure out their own transition.
being trans is challenging, but at least you usually get some “blueprints”. when you think of “transition” what first comes to mind is a trans woman taking estrogen and getting a vaginoplasty or a trans man taking testosterone and getting a top surgery and a phalloplasty. but what if you're neither?
i'm agender. i've never felt connected to masculinity or femininity. gender is quite an alien concept in my mind.
socially, i have it figured out. i've changed my name to a gender neutral one, changed my pronouns. i'm happy with my masc-but-gender-bending expression. i pick clothes from whichever alley i feel like, i put on nail polish and makeup whenever i want. i'm being true to who i am without feeling confined by the restraints of gender.
but then i see myself naked in the mirror and i feel the need to change something – yet i don't know what…
boobs
that's the easy part. i want boobs. simple as that.
i'm getting a healthy level of physical activity, but i've never been, like, “athletic”, never cared for being “muscular” or “fit”. the only real motivation to ever hit the gym was to get some… well-defined pecs. the butterfly machine is where i spent like 90% of my time at the gym. it took me years to realise all of that actually comes from gender dysphoria. the flat chest doesn't fit me, it's not me, it doesn't feel right.
now, there's a few ways to get there:
- exercise, of course; but it's not really my lifestyle; the pandemic made me stop going to the gym, and i've never looked back… i still do press-ups at home and breaststroke at the swimming pool, but not enough to get me far.
- hormones are the way many trans women grow their boobs; i'll get to that subject later;
- phytoestrogens – plant-derived chemical compounds that act similar to estrogens, but don't have such drastic effects on one's body, and no prescription is required; cis women use them to enlarge their breasts, and apparently it works on AMAB people too; i've been taking gong quai, black cohosh and pueraria mirifica for a while (not all at the same time) and i can confirm that to a limited extend – my chest got a bit larger and definitely way more sensitive;
- weight gain – boobs are basically sacks of fat after all; i find “man boobs” very hot, i'd love to have some, and i wouldn't mind some overall weight gain to get them; i'll elaborate later;
- surgery – very invasive and expensive.
at the moment, my chest it still pretty tiny, but the boobs are not non-existent. if i lay down, i feel awfully flat, but in some positions i can see and feel them being there, they jiggle when i run… and that gives me amazing gender euphoria.
here's a picture of them i really like:
hormones
now, here's the deal with hormones: they're a huuuuge step, affecting so many functions of one's body… here's a list of effects of feminising HRT that i found online: [1] [2]
- changes to the skin – “the skin to become dry or thin; the pores to become smaller; less oil production” – sounds real cool!
- breast development – sign me up! 😍
- body fat redistribution – don't care much 🤷
- decreased muscle/mass strength – i'm already weak enough, i'd rather avoid that 😅
- thinning and slowed growth of body and facial hair – i enjoy having a choice at the moment, i can go from fuzzy to smooth within an hour of shaving, and then back to hairy by just waiting a few weeks; HRT would take away big parts of that flexibility;
- male pattern baldness – “no regrowth, loss stops [within] 1-3 months” – that would be a huuuuge positive, if only it helped with regrowth 😢
- minor changes in shoe size or height – not a fan, but maybe i'd finally fit into all the pretty shoes in the “women” section?
- testicles will shrink – “approximately less than half their original size” – sure, don't mind; although my scrotum would look even more oversized than it does already…
- decreased libido – that's a biggie 😢 i'm a sexual being, and not willing to give up my horniness for boobs…
- erectile dysfunction – meh 🤷 i don't really need erections the way i have sex 🤷
- decreased sperm production – cool, make it zero, if you can! not planning kids anyway.
HRT comes as a package deal. it comes after many consultations with an endocrinologist, after months in a queue to a gender clinic. i wish i could cherry-pick the effects, but i don't think i can. so for now i'm just sticking to the no-prescription phytoestrogens and i'll see how that goes.
weight gain
most of my life i've been underweight, and quite severely, actually. even though the society in general seems to be into that (oh, how many gays wanted to fuck that skinny, tall twink!), for me it's been a source of body issues and insecurities. like, my ribs were sticking out, how are people into that?
after moving out from my abusive family i started gradually gaining weight. my best guess as to why, is this: with meals and snacks being very much of a social thing in my ex-family, i was trying to minimise the time i have to spend with their homophobic bigoted asses – so i cut down on portions and on variety of meals, and quickly run back to hide in my room.
now, finally being able to gain some weight feels amazing. being in the “healthy BMI range” (BMI is bullshit, but let's use it as an approximation useful to compare myself to societal expectations) felt well better than looking like a skeleton, i also quite enjoy seeing myself on the way to go over that range a bit. i'm currently at BMI = 25, i feel perfectly healthy, and i have a small belly. just for the sake of a feeling of an accomplishment, i can't wait for the scale to finally show a three-digit number.
getting fatter will also help me grow some boobs and might make my cock visually a bit smaller. yay!
update!
made it! 😊 three digits it is! (it will probably drop soon, cause i'm getting invisiline braces soon, so my ability to snack will be limited)
genitals
most guys would probably feel terrified of a thought of losing their dicks. but i don't think i would mind it that much?
mostly because i'm not a guy. i'm agender, remember? never really felt much masculinity in me (or femininity, for that matter). and in the world where penis and balls are often treated as the very essence of masculinity (“grow some balls”, “big dick energy”, calling one's cock “manhood”, etc.), i'm surprised that owning a dick doesn't give me a gender dysphoria way worse than it does.
and it's not like it's even just a regular dick. it's quite a big dick. depending on how exactly do you measure it, it's around 17-19 cm. i've seen my share of cocks and mine is, well, obviously not monstrous, but definitely on the larger side of the spectrum. which means i've also heard my share of “with a dick like that, it's a shame you're not a top”.
well i'm not. never felt like that's my thing. sure, i've topped plenty of times, and even greatly enjoyed it many times, but “a top” is definitely not what i am.
i know they mean their “it's a shame you're not a top” as a compliment, and an attempt to persuade me to fuck their ass – but for me it's dysphoria inducing. the masculinity associated with penetration hurts… often times, when the weight of expectations and associations between penetration and masculinity dawns on me, dysphoria hits and i quickly get soft – even if i were rock hard mere seconds before, even if i were totally into the idea of fucking someone that day.
so there's one thing of which i'm absolutely sure what i wish was the case about my genitals – i with they were smaller. i'm not a man, so not having too big of a “manhood” anymore would fit me so well.
sidenote: i'm a naturist and i'm promoting free body culture. i sometimes hear “it's easy for you to say and get naked, with a dick like that”. so having a smaller one would be an extra bonus in this area too, i guess…
would i like vagina there? well, i think that if i were born with one, i wouldn't mind that much? it would be the same “gray area” of gender dysphoria as it is right now with a dick. i'm not a woman – and the femininity associated with having a pussy could be… a lot to handle. but on the other hand, pussies are amazing, and i'd probably enjoy greatly having one and playing with it. i sometimes fantasise about having a pussy and i enjoy those thoughts. but they're just fantasies – getting a neovagina is not for me, and i wasn't born with a pussy, so all of it is purely hypothetical.
i also sometimes fantasise about having no genitals whatsoever, about an orchidectomy and penectomy. but those are mere fantasies as well. going through with it would probably give me gender euphoria from physically separating myself from “manhood” – but what about sex?
sure, i keep preaching that sex is way more than just the focus on genitals – but i would be lying if i said that they aren't a very important part of my sex life.
chastity
so here's a kink – being so submissive that you let someone lock your dick in a cage and control how you can use it. i'm really into chastity, i even made a website for it.
but it doesn't mean “chastity” in a puritan, anti-sex way. quite the opposite, it's very sexual. i often struggle to put my dick in a cage, cause the very thought of it makes me hard and too big to fit inside. staying without an orgasm for a while makes me so horny and makes it so much more intense when the relief finally comes. having an orgasm while wearing a cage is absolutely possible, but requires more effort. one can use a vibrator, or anal stimulation, or even have a phantom orgasm from stroking a dildo. chastity really pushes your brain towards the more “sophisticated” kinds of orgasms.
it has a nice side effect too: restricting erections for a prolonged period of time causes atrophy and reduces the penis size. which would be perfect for me!
there are downsides, though. the effects are different for different people, and i haven't continuously had a cage on for long enough to find out what mine would be. the effects aren't permanent either, the cavernous body regenerates within days of removing the cage. pissing can get quite messy. but worst of all: it messes with your sleep 😰 nocturnal erections are causing pain when your dick is straining in its cage, and that wakes you up. apparently, it gets better after a while, but i need to get there first.
still, it's worth trying. i've invested in a very good and comfy cage (kink3d size S, ring 3 curved) and i'll see how far i can go with that.
circumcision
which brings me to the next point: the idea to get circumcised.
i like my foreskin. i'm grateful for the protection it gives to my cock head. i (usually) like how sensitive the sensations on my glans and around my frenulum are. i'm an advocate for the rights of infants mutilated by circumcision without their consent and without any medical indication for it.
but i'm a reasonable, consenting adult and i can weigh my options.
intense sensations are cool, but the sensitivity can be an issue too. i don't seem to be enjoying getting blowjobs as much as i could have been, because it can often get too overwhelming to handle. my glans touching dry stuff without the protection of a foreskin gives me shivers.
foreskin gets in the way of chastity cages too. it gets chafed and pinched. it hinders the flow of piss, making the whole area less hygienic than it could be.
my foreskin is way too long already. just look at this flap of skin way beyond the glans it's supposed to be covering! even when hard, my dick is completely covered in skin.
i'd like to shorten it, if only for æsthetics. so why not go the whole way, then?
when i retract it, i like the looks of it:
recently i've been experimenting with my foreskin. trying to keep it retracted in my underwear, in a cage, getting used to how it feels. and i gotta say – i like what i'm feeling.
i still need to figure out the details: do i want it high or low, loose or tight? when and where to get it?
but i'm like 90% sure that i want to get it eventually.
scrotum and balls
my scrotum also has more skin that it needs. i'd like it as tight and tiny as possible. but that's not really transition, that's just æsthetics.
the real question are the balls. losing them sounds really tempting. that feeling of being emasculated, the history of eunuchs not really being considered men – which would fit perfectly with my gender identity. the fact that erections and orgasms from cock stimulation would still be possible, even if somewhat harder.
but that's a huge change, and it has side effects similar to a feminising HRT, including the deal-breaker: drastically lowered libido. to counteract it, patients receive testosterone injections for the rest of their lives.
orchidectomy sounds pretty logical in my case, but also seems like too drastic of a step to take any time soon.
i have one more reason to postpone it a bit – i'm into CBT and i'd like to get back to doing it, maybe even pushing my limits a bit. but that would be hard to do without balls, wouldn't it? 😅
piercings
again, that's mostly æsthetics, but probably worth mentioning: i've always wanted to have some genital piercings. definitely a hafada and a guiche. never been a fan of prince albert, but that's mostly because of the metalic taste when sucking other people's pierced dicks – for myself it might be an option one day, especially if i end up enjoying more hardcore CBT.
penis reduction surgery
apparently, penis reduction surgery is a thing. not as popular as penis enlargement, as you might imagine, but still…
it's invasive, it's costly, and afaik it's not available here in the netherlands. but it's an option that i'm keeping in the back of my head.
summing up
it's complicated, isn't it?
i want to experience some effects of HRT, but definitely not all of them. i dream of getting rid of my genitals to match my lack of gender, but i also know i would absolutely hate my sex life without them.
and all of that is before even considering how enbyphobic doctors can be. “you want to have breasts, but you're not a woman?”, “i can't give you testosterone, you're not using a masculine name”… oh the stories i've heard. it doesn't help the anxiety.
still, there's some vague vision in my head, towards which i can be heading. ideally, i'd be a masc or androgynous – and very genderfuck – person, with small-ish, hairy boobs, small balls that keep pumping that T to keep me horny, and a dick so tiny that it's basically just a glans, like an overgrown clitoris – always there to give me amazing orgasms, but keeping me far from feeling too “masculine”.
it's a strange journey. but i'm happy to be making it.