2026-01-17
“we don't need a safeword”
i've missed out on a really promising kinky hookup this week 😓 all because of a single – but damn important – red flag. i got blocked before we could talk things out, so not only my horniness, but also my need to express why taking safewords seriously is such a deal-breaker, is still not satiated… but hey, i remembered i had a blog, so i can rant here 😄
long story short, i was supposed to be a submissive in a session involving chastity, bondage and cum control. i have quite some experience with all the things we've been planning to do, and in being a kinky slut in general, but i've never actually let a virtual stranger tie me up and use me like that before – so i had been anxious about safety. we seemed to be on the same wavelengths, he talked about building trust, i had a reasonably clear picture of what to expect, and i was planning to share live location and to set a check-in time with my husband… overall, i was looking forward to a fun night with a non-zero, but acceptable level of risk.
the night before i shared my safeword with him. his response: “we don't need a safeword” 🚩
well, maybe you don't 🙄 it's not meant for your safety. you're the dominant one. you're the one in control. you're as safe as you can be. meanwhile, i'm expected to put a great deal of trust in a virtual stranger. i need to be reasonably confident that he'll respect my boundaries and consent.
at first i gave him the benefit of the doubt. maybe he means that i can simply say in plain english “stop, i'm done, untie me”, and he'll do what i ask without the need for any codewords? so i replied about how consent is important and that includes the ability to withdraw it at any point. i called safewords “the most basic safeguard in bdsm”.
to which he said that “it's just a mild session”, “it's not bdsm”. ugh, what? the “BDSM” initialism is supposed to encompass a lot of things. it stands for: bondage & discipline, domination & submission, sadism & masochism. i was definitely supposed to be submissive and subjected to bondage.
i don't care how “light” the dom considers the session to be. don't try to rationalise someone else's risk. if we barely know each other, if we haven't done that before, their definition of “light” might simply be different that mine. not only do they not know my exact boundaries – even i don't not actually fully know them, do i? i'm literally trying out that experience in order to explore and push my own boundaries!
just because i want to set a safeword, doesn't mean i'm vanilla and don't want to experiment and push my boundaries. quite the opposite, actually. during the play i might be thinking to myself “ugh, maybe that's too much, please stop”, i might even say it – but it requires conscious effort to “translate” that thought into the language of a random fruit or whatever. when i take this (minimal, but still) effort, that means i really mean it, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction to a new experience.
and that's also what it's supposed to communicate to the dom. when it gets to the point of using the (play-ending level) safeword, there should be absolutely no ambiguity anymore. it's not just an inexperienced sub not knowing how much they can take. it's no longer a role-play, no longer boundary-pushing or exploration. when the sub uses the play-ending safeword, you immediately stop what you're doing, you release them from any restraints, and you make sure they're okay. not doing so in this situation makes you a rapist and a piece of shit.
sure, not every non-vanilla play requires a safeword. people can have plenty of fun without getting near their boundaries or encountering / anticipating ambiguities in communication. but if a (prospective) partner requires one to be put in place, then you'd better fucking respect that. because for many people, including myself, it's crucial to have a way of communicating consent withdrawal with zero ambiguities.
a few years back i wrote a blog post pointing out submissive partners can say “no” too. it's a shame that people still need to reiterate that point…
my would-be dom might have had good intentions, who knows – but he still was trivialising my needs and rationalising the risk i was willing to put myself in. that normalises unsafe behaviours and damages the kink community as a whole. please don't follow his example 🥺