some people just aren't meant to fuck. i'm those people.
fucking just feels too manly for me. i'm not a man, and i've recently realised that it's making me pretty dysphoric.
like, every once in a while i'm really in mood to top – but that's once in a blue moon… normally i just wanna pleasure people without getting my dick involved at all. i can be rock hard while kissing you, blowing your dick, eating your pussy or ass, receiving CBT, you name it – but as soon as the thought of penetrating you crosses my mind, i'm almost certain to lose the erection.
not that erections are a defining criterion to determining whether someone is into something – they're too complicated for that, whether you get hard or soft depends on your biology, psychology, mood, intrusive thoughts, gender dysphoria, alcohol, etc. etc.; being soft doesn't automatically mean you're not into some person or activity. but, you know, for me it's one of the indicators.
as for others… well, i went to a meat market party at club church in amsterdam – as a top. tons of willing bottoms just waiting to be fucked by anonymous cocks. aaand i wasn't really into that… 🙈 like, i had some fun, of course, but the most gratifying thing about that evening was… the thought that i can feel calmer about my circumcision plans (and any other genital body mods) – because my cocks seems pretty useless anyway. i struggled to get hard, and when i did i was very quickly very close to cumming (that's a new one for me, usually i take ages to cum). and the bottoms i fucked didn't seem as pleased by my cock as they were with others (although that might be just me projecting). it was still fun, but i just kept thinking how much better i'd feel being on the other side, as a bottom.
in other news… after almost exclusively dating/hooking up with people with dicks, for the last 2,5 years i've been in a relationship with a person with a pussy. it's in no way a straight relationship, we're both trans and very queer, but it seems like some remnant schemas of what a penis+vagina sex should look like are still present in my head. we've been having amazing sex, with just one bigger issue: whenever i tried topping, things would often get quite tense, i'd end up spiraling in my head wondering if i'm really even into that. a few times i was, very much so, but more often than not, meh.
recently, we had a great one – with lots of grinding, but zero penetration. i enjoyed the hell out of that! afterwards they asked me to take penetration off the table completely. they also noticed that my cock, ironically, seems to be the cockblock of our relationship. i’m a happy bottom and let’s leave it that way. i guess i'm officially #pussyfree 😅
i'm not the biggest fan of that word, tbh. it sounds veeery straight to me. after all, i won't be topping any hole anymore, not just pussies. “100% bottom” would probably put it better. still, calling myself “pussyfree” makes me very horny. it's not just a position preference or a choice – it emphasises being actively denied pussy 😈 since i started embracing my humiliation kink recently, it feels really good that way.
i'm a limp total bottom, i should stop trying and failing to fuck pussies and assholes. my clit might be big, but it's useless. i'm never gonna satisfy anyone by penetration, i only deserve a life of a submissive, obedient bottom that pleasures real masters and mistresses with its holes 😈
i'll allow myself a few exception in the coming future, because i'm curious how different will feel after having my foreskin cut off. but other than that, i'm just happy to finally embrace being a 100% bottom 🍑